The detours and mistakes of Lia Pale
Four years ago I met mathias rüegg, he believed in me and we started working together instantly. It was the beginning of a journey, that is continuing. I don’t want to change my direction, I want to go further and as for now: explain the detours and mistakes.
From the very beginning mathias and I knew exactly what we wanted in terms of music but when it came to the videos, pictures or covers we chose - we didn’t. Musically I am able to decide what I want, what I like to do, how I would like to sing a song but in real life I have great difficulty to take responsibility, make my own choices and in further consequence position myself and be clear about who I am. I always knew I wanted to be a singer - I just had no idea of how to be a singer and what kind of a singer I wanted to be.
I met mathias in 2011 when I was studying at the university of music and performing arts in Vienna. I didn't really know then who he was or what he had accomplished, but I have to say I really liked his lecture. It was shortly before I found out that I was leaving for my exchange year in Gothenburg, Sweden. I was lost at that time, I was searching without knowing what to look for. I didn't believe in myself and I didn't know where to start and what I wanted. I remember asking mathias about an arrangement that I was supposed to do. Looking back now I see that the moment I set foot in his apartment our collaboration started. And people who are close to me know how much has changed since then. And yes - without any doubt our collaboration changed my life but no he didn't force me to dye my hair blond or pose half-naked for my poet’s love (that was all me - trying to push my own boundaries).
We started working together on Franz Schubert’s Winterreise with poems by Wilhelm Müller. I left for Sweden and we stayed connected through Skype. I had no idea how difficult and how challenging every single song, every single note in this cycle would be and although I feel ashamed for being so naive, I am glad I was because otherwise I am not sure if I would have done it. Working with these songs changed me profoundly in ways that I still keep discovering.
Before I started to work with mathias I was part of an electro pop trio called Roh Lex and we usually played in smaller night clubs. I’ve always pictured myself in an alternative pop scene. I am not even sure why but it is hard to let go of a picture that you have of yourself and accept who you actually are in this very moment. All this time I didn’t notice how scared I was to find out. So all of a sudden I found myself in a world where I’d never thought I’d be. I found myself surrounded by jazz musicians and this was new to me in every way. I was intimidated by their musicianship and I loved it at the same time. I was deeply inspired. Suddenly I became very aware of the fact that I would have to prove myself - in front of musicians, mathias, the audience and myself. I didn’t realize that being able to sing doesn’t necessarily mean knowing how to be a singer or how to be a musician and I knew that this was my chance to find out.
I wanted my friends to like what I do, I wanted my family to like what I do, I wanted youtube to like what I do, I wanted facebook to like what I do and it is so tempting to get torn up in all these different ideas and worlds. It is hard to create an authentic image when it is so easy to get lost in all kinds of expectations. For so long I couldn't differ between my own expectations and the ones that were imposed on me and which I confused with my own. It is a thin line between being aware of what is going on around you and choosing what you let influence and affect you. If you don’t know how who you would like to be, make up artists can and will turn you into whoever they want to see. When I was watching some of my video or looking at pictures I felt uncomfortable, ashamed, thinking what am I doing, why I am looking so weird, this isn't me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. While I was working on my poet’s love there is one thing that I learned from R.M. Rilke and that is that you can never force a process. All this is related to the confusing image we created that I was referring to in the beginning. The videos and pictures mathias and I decided to put out there were distracting from our music because they didn't fit together. It took us quite some time to see what went wrong and where we made mistakes. It is so important to know where you see yourself because people need to get a feeling of who they are listening to or who they want to see live. To give myself the possibility of being heard I needed to be clear about myself. And this was and maybe is the hardest part, not least because we keep changing all the time.
So the next step for me, to hopefully learn from my mistakes, is to give you new pieces of the puzzle that fit to rebuild the picture. And that is why I decided to take away some of our videos and pictures and share new ones with you. What you’re about to see is very simple: me performing Seven Pages Of Loneliness and All Those Tears I Drank from our latest release my poet’s love and a couple of new press pictures. (videos and pictures by Ahmet Bahadir Gokce)
One more thing: I am gonna take over the blog for a while starting in October; letting you know what I am working on, what I’m practicing, who inspires me, what I’m thinking about, who I met, what I’m reading or what my favourite nail polish is at the moment.
Yours,
Lia Pale
Lia Pale
P.S.: In case some of you are confused singers like me, you’ll find even more personal explanations and remarks below:
my hands vs stage fright
The ones who know me for a longer period and have seen me perform years ago will know exactly what I am talking about. Whenever I sang in public my hands and arms would start doing their own thing, I couldn't control it. My body was trying to get rid of all the tension and fear that crawl up your spine when you’re on stage. I couldn't help it and I confused everybody else who was trying to listen. I distracted my own audience with my scared flying hands and it took me a long time to become aware of my body and integrate my hands and arms. Being comfortable with myself took me a long time and I am still working on it. It was extremely difficult for me to calm down my nervous hands and let go of my fear as well as trust my instinct and my audience. Routine and trust is the key. You learn each time you are up there overcoming your fear and facing your demons. The more you do it the easier it becomes. Be aware of your body and take your time. On stage there is a different time zone. Never hurry, always take your time. Prepare yourself and then take it step by step. For additional support I can recommend dance and acting classes…of which more later in my imaginary workshop: what to do with your hands while singing : )
Lia Pale vs Julia Pallanch
All this time I focused on my musical and artistic development simply because the music I dedicated myself to was so very demanding and I had so much to catch up and still have to and want to, not noticing that I was as confused about myself as a person as I was before I went to Sweden. To make progress on one side and stand still on the other side created a conflict inside of me and was making me more and more insecure. In a way I was falling apart. I always thought when I do this, when I manage to learn this, when I am able to sing this, when I do this concert my life will suddenly change - I wasn't aware that I had to be the one making the changes on the inside. I wasn't aware that I had to be the one making my own choices. In other words, I had to be the one unpacking my moving boxes in order to build myself a home. To feel strong and be in good condition the artistic and personal development have to go hand in hand - they have to support and inspire each other…of which more later in my imaginary workshop: how to bring your artistic and private self together : )